Work, Work, Working....

I am not sure that I really like working anymore. I loved my job to begin with but the stress of working full time as a supervisor is not fun. I mean I guess it would be better if the people at my job were professional... but since they aren't, I'm finding it difficult to navigate.

I just know I am capable of this job. I Know I'm more than capable of leading a ward and everything that comes with it... it's just hard when you're not getting respect from staff members and they are undermining you in front of the patients. That's the last thing I need from staff, because it makes everyone's job difficult.

I just want to cry.

I hate feeling fragile!

Need to get my life together

I understand that I need to get my mental stability together and just forget about everyone else and do what makes me happy.

However, I've been doing what should make me happy and guess what.. .it's not.

Oh life... Ohhhhhhh life.

Jordan will never offer me the relationship that I crave, and although I would do anything for that, I just know that it won't ever happen. He would be the best person to be in that kind of relationship with but he isn't ready to, and will never be ready to. And... well, honestly you can't force that type of attraction. But oh, how much I yearn for it.

Jamal also won't offer me the type of relationship I crave. He wants to be in control. I want someone to love me for me, not control me. So therefore, that might not be good for me either. Plus my friends hate what he did to me, and what he continues to do to me. One day he and I might snap and that will be that. But I don't yet have the strength to leave him.

I dont' want to really. I want to feel loved, i want to keep my heart open to people.

I'm not wanting to be alone. i don't know why I'm so scared of that. I mean, I am alone at the moment. But i do have great friends and I really am not worried about finding someone to love me it's just that the situation i'm in now makes it hard for me not to focus on that....

anyways. at least school is going well even though i'm unfulfilled there. I do not like the online class structure. it's not enough for me. I want to be in a lab or in a classroom. i want to be around similar people. i want to be around people as smart as me! Again, I think I've sold myself short.

Same old nonsense.

I don't know why I do this to myself. I tend to get my hopes up and they normally just come crashing down upon me again.

Today I was supposed to wake up and be productive. I was supposed to work on homework and read my chapters for my masters and do my online post. However, I lost all motivation because it was raining and decided that I should just stay in bed.

I did, however, get up early and take my nephew to school. Then I got up and picked him up from school, fed him, and took him to the rec. so he could practice basketball because his basketball team didn't practice late tonight at school. He's 14, and a pretty good basketball player. He's on the 9th grade basketball team at his junior high school. He's actually phenomenal.

I'm a little disappointed in myself. I know that I often tell myself things that are reality and then I still allow myself to secretly get my hopes up that at one theoretical point in the future things will get better. That I will get my way, and my dreams will become reality. However, this is not the case. I should continue to be the realist that I say I am.

I should know that I'm not desirable to those I seek. I am pretty, yes. I am pretty. But I am not small and thin and petite. I'm kinda chubby and for a guy in the south who is used to getting hit on my small, southern belles, I should look the other direction. Because I will always be the "best" friend and nothing more. That is my station in life.

And those that require my attention, namely my exboyfriend.. He may say he loves me, and that he cares... and that it's not about the sex.. but I know what the deal is. And maybe it's not about the sex, but it's not about love. Because love to me is really different than love for him. It's more about control for him and I kind of let myself be controlled.

Oh well, I don't know why I bother.

This is kinda what I did today...

So we started the blog. Bull 201

It's in the early stages so it's pretty bare. I have hope that we'll at least get a few entries in there when we can. You can find it at TheBull201.blogspot.com

also, if you want to be a guest writer-- feel free. :) Just email me whatever or mark your lj post and i'll copy and paste it, and give you credit the way you wanna be given credit for it. So whether that be a name or a nickname.. whatever. Haven't decided yet if Im using my real name yet.

I might make up professor names for each of us...
:D


Anyways.

I spent today getting a TB test done for my new job and then played with Mae and Baby Emerson alllllll day. I had a lot of fun! We went to books a million and played with the trains. It's so cute how much Emerson loves books. Had a yummy danish and hot chocolate with a splash of mint. It was good.
Then we had some play time at home and i stuffed my face with pizza. It was good to catch up. I just haven't had any real friends up in rock hill for a while and it's nice to know that someone that actually knows me and I trust and can talk to lives up around here.

I mean, megan lives up here but she doesn't really go out of her way to hang out or anything. However, she does work all the time. I just hope my job doesn't stop me from being able to hang out.

SO yah. That really was the highlight of my day. I loved dancing around the room with emerson lol. (She's beautiful)

Made me miss Liam a ton though. When he starts walking I'm going to make sure he learns to dance too. :D

I came home after that and did laundry. woo. I hate when I went through the trouble to separate all of my clothes.. my older sister mixed them up and put them in the laundry together. Ugh. I had some delicates i was trying to wash separately. Oh well. She though she was doing me a favor. It's ok. :D

I should be asleeppppp

:o)

I really should be asleep right now. It's 3:30 am and I need to be up early to get ready to go to Loretta's boyfriend's family's house. lol yeah. say that three times fast.

Um

soooooooo

FML.

the end.

Woops.. Knew this would happen!

Woops...

I knew that when I started this blog I wouldn't up keep it just like I don't really upkeep my livejournal. I wish that I had some interesting things to blog about, and I probably do.. but it's mostly the same theme over and over again.

I guess I forget that this is the blog that I don't have to censor because only 2 people have the link to it... and they are the two people I don't have to censor myself in front of (if they even read it at all).

However, it's hard to admit to yourself that you're doing the things that you are doing sometimes. I know that I don't really like to blog in detail because you never know what might happen and you never know who might come across something like this. I'd hate to bear it all and have those people I'm talking about come across it on accident-- which would be my luck.

I don't quite know what I am doing anymore. I know that my love for Jordan really sucks ass, as well as how insanely in love I am with Jamal. Both guys are no good for me. Both don't treat me the way I think I should be treated-- and yet there is something about them.

Wes, on the other hand... treats me so well and there is nothing there. In fact, he annoys the hell out of me now. Everytime he talks to me, he says things that I always thought I wanted to hear.. however coming from him I literally want to slug him in the face. this has been nearly every time he opens his mouth.

I know that I don't need to be with someone, and that is exactly why I'm not. I'm happy by myself but I still have this complicated love life. Other people in my life go "just forget about them and be by yourself, you don't need any one to be happy".. and I'm like... DUH. I AM by myself. Just because they are in my life doesn't mean I'm falling all over them for attention. It just so happens that they are in my life and they aren't going any where. Jamal always pops up even when we think we are done. He's never going to get completely cut out because he doesn't want to be just as much as I don't want him to be. Jordan is a good friend, when he needs to be, and therefore he's still in my life. I'm not going to just walk away from two people who are usually there for me when I need them. In fact, most of the people that are telling me to leave them alone are the ones that I can't talk to when I need to really talk about something.

So as much as it sucks for me emotionally sometimes, Jordan and Jamal are in my life. Period.

However, I really am dangerously in love with Jamal. And I really wish things could work for us. There is something about your first love that makes it so intense. I think part of it is because he still wants there to be something there and he keeps egging that connection on too that makes it harder for us to go our separate ways. He wants me around as much as I want him. If he could get his shit together, there really could be something between us that is long lasting. But I really dont' think he ever will. I don't think that I'm enough for him to stop the habits he has gotten himself into. I don't think he'd ever be able to be with just me and only me. Which is such a shame because we really do have a hell of a time when we are together, and we do care about each other. I just think that his impulse control doesn't work or something. And he wants things HIS way, and that can get to be too taxing for me too. We both are stubborn. It sucks. It royally sucks.

And Jordan. I didn't realize you could love twopeople at the same time, but I guess if you connect and love them for different reasons it is possible. Jordan will never allow himself to emotionally get attached to me. We can be best friends and flirt and be attracted to one another but he will never allow himself to open up and let the possibility in that he might get close enough for me to hurt him. I don't think he realizes that we are already close, and that I DO have the power to hurt him. He pretends he doesn't care, but I know he does. If I were to walk away from the friendship like he thinks I'm going to do one day.. it would really hurt him. I'm convinced of this... I just wish he would let me in.

But maybe it's better that neither one is ready for anything. Maybe there is a big surprise waiting for me out there in the cosmos and mr. right is just around the corner. But I doubt it. lol Oh, i Doubt it.

You DRIVE ME CRAZY-- and not in the Britney Spears way either-- well not completely

You Drive me absolutely insane. I don't understand why I let myself get so FLUSTERED by you. I shouldn't even be this attracted to you, nor should I want you so bad. You don't want a relationship because you are too SCARED to have one. WHY DO I LET YOU IN LIKE THIS?! I dunno, maybe because I'm your only friend? FUCK i dunno what I'm talking about right nowwwwwwwwww

I need to get used to doing this blog with my phone. Maybe i can actually write everything that's going on in my life down now. I just have to be careful that it doesn't end up like livejournal or twitter. I want this blog to be deeper than my other ones. To be uncensored and have some meaning. My life is so twisted right now. I wish that i could get everything more simple so that it didn't seem like so much. I can't wait to get up to camp and feel safe.

I'm testing out mobile blogging... This could be trouble.

I am a mess

I can honestly say that I am a mess lately.
I should have been updating this everyday so I can post the events as they happened because I get too lazy to do one big update. Then I leave out details and blah blah blah.

I just... you know how you really just want to be loved? I'm there. I don't know what I'm doing any more. My heart is all over the place.

I want to be loved by this guy, I'm in love with this guy.... and Then I am trying to keep a few others on the back burner in case everything falls apart. I don't know what I am doing anymore.
It used to simple. Someone liked you, they beat up on you on the playground, and one day they passed you a note asking you to be there girlfriend. If you checked yes, then you were. Then everyone knew it. There was none of this 'hiding it' or having it kept "personal". There was no sexual promiscuity. There was no blurred lines.

I just want that. Simplicity. Old fashioned romance.

I want someone to love me. Someone that wants to have an anniversary and meet my family. Someone that cares enough to deal with my craziness.

Not someone that is going to lie to me, and not see me or bring me around other people. I want someone who will publicly declare they are with me.

I don't want someone who is going to blame ME for not telling them that I was taken advantage of. Someone who isn't going to blame me or be confused about it. what is there for YOU to be confused about? It happened to ME!

Men are really confusing. life is confusing. I mean, what really sucks.. is knowing what you are supposed to do, and how you are supposed to react to things, and then you of course... being fickle and not doing that.

I mean, I swear i could write a soap opera based off of my life right now. I just... can't blog it. I don't know what keeps me from writing everything down.


Michelle--- I miss you! I don't know why we didn't become like BFF's while we had the chance to be around each other 24/7. I do miss ya girl!

What a weekend...

Spent the entire weekend in Greensboro with my older sister and my nephew for his basketball tournament. They played three games over the course of the weekend. They played a fairly decent game (my nephews game is nothing less than amazing though-- and that's not just because he's my nephew that I am saying that). However the refs (especially in that last game) made some really BAD calls and the coach is always subbing in players when they've got a good thing going on. FOR NO REASON. 

I don't know like a shit-ton about basketball, but I know enough to know that they were not doing their job out there. It was really aggravating to watch. 

Speaking of aggravating. Dorenzo is aggravating the hell out of me right now. he told me to call him last week but wasn't there to answer-which is no big deal...he drives trucks and is busy with that and his business... understandable. But he didnt' return my call and didn't answer the other two times i called him (different days of course). Plus he's been online on and off and hasn't immed me or emailed me back. It hurts to know that he is there but isnt' talking to me. I don't know what is going on with him but i know that I haven't done anything. 

Plus, this girl on his facebook has been talkng some crazy shit and I know he's slept with her- which makes me insanely jealous. because I was under the impression that while we were sleeping together he was not supposed to be sleeping with anyone else. That really hurts me. I trusted him. In fact, I've been falling in love with him. stupid me. I know better than to do that. Experience tells me so. 

I know that he'll be talking to me in a day or two, but it doesn't ease my aggravation any. I was going to take time out to go visit him in columbia before i left for boston and I wanted to talk to him about how he felt about me, but I guess that's not going to happen now. Forget it. 

Forget my stupid feelings for anyone. 

It's just one of those things....

I really can't seem to make my body wake up before noon no matter how early I try to go to bed. So I figure that I might as well stop trying. I'll be waking up early enough as soon as camp starts anyway. Speaking of waking up early, I have to be up and ready and dressed to go with loretta to greensboro for brandon's basketball tournament this weekend. 

I had a good day today. I woke up late, argued a bit with Glenn as is normal for me because he can't seem to get it through his thick skull that there is no chance for us because he does not do the things I need a man to do for me. Ugh. Men. 

Then, Moya texted me and invited me to a Baha'i children's class that he's been leading. I've been waiting for something like that since i've moved to rock hill and it was really nice to go out and see the kids play, sing and say some prayers. Moya gave me two books to read and we're going to be doing some one-on-one studying together. It'll be good to get back into the swing of things. I miss doing all the reading and investigation of the faith that I used to do. I just have fell really behind no that stuff because i didn't have any one to motivate me, and I was so busy with school. 

Plus, this past year has been really hard for me. Both academically and emotionally. I've been through such an emotional roller coaster this year it's unbelievable. 

Moya and I are going to try to get together later on this week. :) yay. 

I leave for Boston june 1st..... AH!!

Good Ol' American Try

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I have to admit, it's kinda weird to be writing in a journal that I know hardly any one will be reading. In a way I like it, but I'm so used to random comments on my thoughts that I'm not sure that I'll keep writing in this if i can't have the feed back on my life and random feelings that I crave from time to time. :-P

(So what? I can be an attention whore if I wanna be!)

It's nice to be able to be free though. To not censor myself or worry about who is reading this. (Shout out to the two that I know read it! Michelle & Mark... or M&M hehehehe) 

It's just.... I dunno sometimes I want answers or reassurance, ya know?

Still can't seem to get my thoughts straight. 

I want to start writing again but I don't think I can. Honestly I think i'm tapped out

Even more frustrated

Even more frustrating? Dorenzo. 

Here's a man that I was supposed to be starting something with and now I really just don't know where we stand. I mean, we have an AMAZING connection. He's hilarious. When we talk, we can talk for hours about everything. I like him, we vibe well. he's as much of an asshole as I am. But in a good way. We have an amazing amazing amazing sexual chemistry. 

But I'm not sure where I stand with him. I know what I want from him. I would love a relationship. Jordan, now Jordan I won't ever have anything with. Dorenzo? I can see myself with him, and him wanting to be with me. It's just that he's so busy with work that we haven't been talking much lately... not like we did when we first started talking. And I really would like to talk about some things with him. Like where we stand, what we're doing.. If we're always going to just have a sexual relationship with one another. I dont' want that. I want to be with him. I love the sex but it's him that I really am digging. I hope that I get to talk to him about this soon. Cause it's going ot drive me crazy. I'vebeen seeing him since january so I think it's about a decent time for this type of conversation. The last thing I want to do is go away to camp and have him find some other girl or something.

I'm just... way too scared to bring it up. Like I've been nothing but hurt and let down before that i would hate to lose yet another person in my life that i Really care for. but I just know that i can't continue to keep doing this to myself. I want someone that loves me. It's not just about sex. sex is SO good dont' get me wrong, but dammit I need the commitement. I need to take care of someone and grow with someone. 
I would really like to do that with him, but I don't know where we stand. And i'm too scared to ask. Balls. 

Frustrated

I just don't understand why Jordan insists on telling me about the girls that he likes! Or doesn't like. Or that he is confused about. Seriously. Does he not remember that I LIKE him? Better yet, doesn't he realize that I am and probably will always be head over heels for him? He's so hurtful to me, and it's like he doesn't even realize it. It's crazy. 

I mean, I understand that I have permanetly moved in the best friend zone with him. (Although he doesn't have best friends cause that shows "favoritism"-- to which I replied that he'd better get used to it because I know too much). I just hate that he has to like DO THAT. 

And he texts me when he's out with them. All night long. When he's sober, when he's drunk, when they make him feel awkward or he wants tips on how to dance, or advice on what to do. Or that he's thinking about kissing them, or how asking me if he's a good kisser and all of that. That hurts. Why bother telling me every detail about your life, and relying on me to give you advice... when I'm not good enough for you to date? Why tell me that you think you are finally ready to date, but not bother to tell me what you used to tell me was never true. Why bother? 

It's hurtful to be this close to him, to want him to be happy... I want him to be happy with who he chooses to be with.. but it really leaves me questioning... WHY not me? 

What's wrong with me that makes him not want me? We've made out, we've done stuff so it's not that he isnt' attracted to me. or maybe he isn't. Maybe he used me to get back in the game. because I'm safe and comfortable. 

It's just so FRUSTRATING. And the texting. UGH that drives me crazy. I told him that sometimes I Just don't want to hear about it. He hasnt' gotten the hint. I mean, it's not about giving him advice or building up his confidence... I'm ok with that. 

I want him to grow as a person or whatever. I want to support him.

But, it's going to hurt me to see him with someone else. 

I just wish he could love me. 

But I'm definately not going to tell him how I feel again. That's not happening. No more opening up to people to get let down. That will only hurt more. Cause I know he'd never want to be with me, although I can't understand why.

OOOOOOOH the stuff I put myself through for real. 

I love my black-framed glasses--- I feel smart!

 I have had a lot on my mind lately but when I go to type it out, it never seems to want to flow outta me. something about my fingertips not wanting to move across the keyboard to let out everything I've been holding in. Words used to flow so easily through me, like a river... I had this current of words coursing through my veins that always wanted to be unleashed, and now... it seems like nothing wants to even escape from me. Like my words have found comfort in a place where I can't even recognize them as words-- just pure thought, emotion and feeling.

When they say that you change tremendously in the years that you attend college, they are not lying. But that change only goes so far. The core of who I am has not changed much at all. 

yes, there are differences in me. Major differences to some people, but only minor ones to me..
I definitely  don't sound like the peppy 16 year old that I was when i first started to blog (yes, I've been LJing for about 6 years. . . weird, huh. I figured it was time for a fresh start, and for a place where my friends can't get in my personal thoughts and criticize them). I am not as afraid to voice my opinion or stand up for myself. 

I still struggle with self-esteem and loving myself. I struggle with friendships and feeling that people are there for me. i am still loud-mouthed, I'm still loving, I still care about people with my entire heart. 

i still don't' believe anyone could love me, although now I ache for someone to lay next to at night and know that they are there for me forever... I crave for someone to love and take care of. 

I've changed from never wanting a family to wanting one. I want children on day. I want a husband, a house, a dog.. I want normalcy. 

I don't know there is so much going on and so little at the same time...