Work, Work, Working....

I am not sure that I really like working anymore. I loved my job to begin with but the stress of working full time as a supervisor is not fun. I mean I guess it would be better if the people at my job were professional... but since they aren't, I'm finding it difficult to navigate.

I just know I am capable of this job. I Know I'm more than capable of leading a ward and everything that comes with it... it's just hard when you're not getting respect from staff members and they are undermining you in front of the patients. That's the last thing I need from staff, because it makes everyone's job difficult.

I just want to cry.

I hate feeling fragile!

Need to get my life together

I understand that I need to get my mental stability together and just forget about everyone else and do what makes me happy.

However, I've been doing what should make me happy and guess what.. .it's not.

Oh life... Ohhhhhhh life.

Jordan will never offer me the relationship that I crave, and although I would do anything for that, I just know that it won't ever happen. He would be the best person to be in that kind of relationship with but he isn't ready to, and will never be ready to. And... well, honestly you can't force that type of attraction. But oh, how much I yearn for it.

Jamal also won't offer me the type of relationship I crave. He wants to be in control. I want someone to love me for me, not control me. So therefore, that might not be good for me either. Plus my friends hate what he did to me, and what he continues to do to me. One day he and I might snap and that will be that. But I don't yet have the strength to leave him.

I dont' want to really. I want to feel loved, i want to keep my heart open to people.

I'm not wanting to be alone. i don't know why I'm so scared of that. I mean, I am alone at the moment. But i do have great friends and I really am not worried about finding someone to love me it's just that the situation i'm in now makes it hard for me not to focus on that....

anyways. at least school is going well even though i'm unfulfilled there. I do not like the online class structure. it's not enough for me. I want to be in a lab or in a classroom. i want to be around similar people. i want to be around people as smart as me! Again, I think I've sold myself short.

Same old nonsense.

I don't know why I do this to myself. I tend to get my hopes up and they normally just come crashing down upon me again.

Today I was supposed to wake up and be productive. I was supposed to work on homework and read my chapters for my masters and do my online post. However, I lost all motivation because it was raining and decided that I should just stay in bed.

I did, however, get up early and take my nephew to school. Then I got up and picked him up from school, fed him, and took him to the rec. so he could practice basketball because his basketball team didn't practice late tonight at school. He's 14, and a pretty good basketball player. He's on the 9th grade basketball team at his junior high school. He's actually phenomenal.

I'm a little disappointed in myself. I know that I often tell myself things that are reality and then I still allow myself to secretly get my hopes up that at one theoretical point in the future things will get better. That I will get my way, and my dreams will become reality. However, this is not the case. I should continue to be the realist that I say I am.

I should know that I'm not desirable to those I seek. I am pretty, yes. I am pretty. But I am not small and thin and petite. I'm kinda chubby and for a guy in the south who is used to getting hit on my small, southern belles, I should look the other direction. Because I will always be the "best" friend and nothing more. That is my station in life.

And those that require my attention, namely my exboyfriend.. He may say he loves me, and that he cares... and that it's not about the sex.. but I know what the deal is. And maybe it's not about the sex, but it's not about love. Because love to me is really different than love for him. It's more about control for him and I kind of let myself be controlled.

Oh well, I don't know why I bother.

This is kinda what I did today...

So we started the blog. Bull 201

It's in the early stages so it's pretty bare. I have hope that we'll at least get a few entries in there when we can. You can find it at TheBull201.blogspot.com

also, if you want to be a guest writer-- feel free. :) Just email me whatever or mark your lj post and i'll copy and paste it, and give you credit the way you wanna be given credit for it. So whether that be a name or a nickname.. whatever. Haven't decided yet if Im using my real name yet.

I might make up professor names for each of us...
:D


Anyways.

I spent today getting a TB test done for my new job and then played with Mae and Baby Emerson alllllll day. I had a lot of fun! We went to books a million and played with the trains. It's so cute how much Emerson loves books. Had a yummy danish and hot chocolate with a splash of mint. It was good.
Then we had some play time at home and i stuffed my face with pizza. It was good to catch up. I just haven't had any real friends up in rock hill for a while and it's nice to know that someone that actually knows me and I trust and can talk to lives up around here.

I mean, megan lives up here but she doesn't really go out of her way to hang out or anything. However, she does work all the time. I just hope my job doesn't stop me from being able to hang out.

SO yah. That really was the highlight of my day. I loved dancing around the room with emerson lol. (She's beautiful)

Made me miss Liam a ton though. When he starts walking I'm going to make sure he learns to dance too. :D

I came home after that and did laundry. woo. I hate when I went through the trouble to separate all of my clothes.. my older sister mixed them up and put them in the laundry together. Ugh. I had some delicates i was trying to wash separately. Oh well. She though she was doing me a favor. It's ok. :D