I should be asleeppppp

:o)

I really should be asleep right now. It's 3:30 am and I need to be up early to get ready to go to Loretta's boyfriend's family's house. lol yeah. say that three times fast.

Um

soooooooo

FML.

the end.

Woops.. Knew this would happen!

Woops...

I knew that when I started this blog I wouldn't up keep it just like I don't really upkeep my livejournal. I wish that I had some interesting things to blog about, and I probably do.. but it's mostly the same theme over and over again.

I guess I forget that this is the blog that I don't have to censor because only 2 people have the link to it... and they are the two people I don't have to censor myself in front of (if they even read it at all).

However, it's hard to admit to yourself that you're doing the things that you are doing sometimes. I know that I don't really like to blog in detail because you never know what might happen and you never know who might come across something like this. I'd hate to bear it all and have those people I'm talking about come across it on accident-- which would be my luck.

I don't quite know what I am doing anymore. I know that my love for Jordan really sucks ass, as well as how insanely in love I am with Jamal. Both guys are no good for me. Both don't treat me the way I think I should be treated-- and yet there is something about them.

Wes, on the other hand... treats me so well and there is nothing there. In fact, he annoys the hell out of me now. Everytime he talks to me, he says things that I always thought I wanted to hear.. however coming from him I literally want to slug him in the face. this has been nearly every time he opens his mouth.

I know that I don't need to be with someone, and that is exactly why I'm not. I'm happy by myself but I still have this complicated love life. Other people in my life go "just forget about them and be by yourself, you don't need any one to be happy".. and I'm like... DUH. I AM by myself. Just because they are in my life doesn't mean I'm falling all over them for attention. It just so happens that they are in my life and they aren't going any where. Jamal always pops up even when we think we are done. He's never going to get completely cut out because he doesn't want to be just as much as I don't want him to be. Jordan is a good friend, when he needs to be, and therefore he's still in my life. I'm not going to just walk away from two people who are usually there for me when I need them. In fact, most of the people that are telling me to leave them alone are the ones that I can't talk to when I need to really talk about something.

So as much as it sucks for me emotionally sometimes, Jordan and Jamal are in my life. Period.

However, I really am dangerously in love with Jamal. And I really wish things could work for us. There is something about your first love that makes it so intense. I think part of it is because he still wants there to be something there and he keeps egging that connection on too that makes it harder for us to go our separate ways. He wants me around as much as I want him. If he could get his shit together, there really could be something between us that is long lasting. But I really dont' think he ever will. I don't think that I'm enough for him to stop the habits he has gotten himself into. I don't think he'd ever be able to be with just me and only me. Which is such a shame because we really do have a hell of a time when we are together, and we do care about each other. I just think that his impulse control doesn't work or something. And he wants things HIS way, and that can get to be too taxing for me too. We both are stubborn. It sucks. It royally sucks.

And Jordan. I didn't realize you could love twopeople at the same time, but I guess if you connect and love them for different reasons it is possible. Jordan will never allow himself to emotionally get attached to me. We can be best friends and flirt and be attracted to one another but he will never allow himself to open up and let the possibility in that he might get close enough for me to hurt him. I don't think he realizes that we are already close, and that I DO have the power to hurt him. He pretends he doesn't care, but I know he does. If I were to walk away from the friendship like he thinks I'm going to do one day.. it would really hurt him. I'm convinced of this... I just wish he would let me in.

But maybe it's better that neither one is ready for anything. Maybe there is a big surprise waiting for me out there in the cosmos and mr. right is just around the corner. But I doubt it. lol Oh, i Doubt it.