Need to get my life together

I understand that I need to get my mental stability together and just forget about everyone else and do what makes me happy.

However, I've been doing what should make me happy and guess what.. .it's not.

Oh life... Ohhhhhhh life.

Jordan will never offer me the relationship that I crave, and although I would do anything for that, I just know that it won't ever happen. He would be the best person to be in that kind of relationship with but he isn't ready to, and will never be ready to. And... well, honestly you can't force that type of attraction. But oh, how much I yearn for it.

Jamal also won't offer me the type of relationship I crave. He wants to be in control. I want someone to love me for me, not control me. So therefore, that might not be good for me either. Plus my friends hate what he did to me, and what he continues to do to me. One day he and I might snap and that will be that. But I don't yet have the strength to leave him.

I dont' want to really. I want to feel loved, i want to keep my heart open to people.

I'm not wanting to be alone. i don't know why I'm so scared of that. I mean, I am alone at the moment. But i do have great friends and I really am not worried about finding someone to love me it's just that the situation i'm in now makes it hard for me not to focus on that....

anyways. at least school is going well even though i'm unfulfilled there. I do not like the online class structure. it's not enough for me. I want to be in a lab or in a classroom. i want to be around similar people. i want to be around people as smart as me! Again, I think I've sold myself short.