I am a mess

I can honestly say that I am a mess lately.
I should have been updating this everyday so I can post the events as they happened because I get too lazy to do one big update. Then I leave out details and blah blah blah.

I just... you know how you really just want to be loved? I'm there. I don't know what I'm doing any more. My heart is all over the place.

I want to be loved by this guy, I'm in love with this guy.... and Then I am trying to keep a few others on the back burner in case everything falls apart. I don't know what I am doing anymore.
It used to simple. Someone liked you, they beat up on you on the playground, and one day they passed you a note asking you to be there girlfriend. If you checked yes, then you were. Then everyone knew it. There was none of this 'hiding it' or having it kept "personal". There was no sexual promiscuity. There was no blurred lines.

I just want that. Simplicity. Old fashioned romance.

I want someone to love me. Someone that wants to have an anniversary and meet my family. Someone that cares enough to deal with my craziness.

Not someone that is going to lie to me, and not see me or bring me around other people. I want someone who will publicly declare they are with me.

I don't want someone who is going to blame ME for not telling them that I was taken advantage of. Someone who isn't going to blame me or be confused about it. what is there for YOU to be confused about? It happened to ME!

Men are really confusing. life is confusing. I mean, what really sucks.. is knowing what you are supposed to do, and how you are supposed to react to things, and then you of course... being fickle and not doing that.

I mean, I swear i could write a soap opera based off of my life right now. I just... can't blog it. I don't know what keeps me from writing everything down.


Michelle--- I miss you! I don't know why we didn't become like BFF's while we had the chance to be around each other 24/7. I do miss ya girl!

Even more frustrated

Even more frustrating? Dorenzo. 

Here's a man that I was supposed to be starting something with and now I really just don't know where we stand. I mean, we have an AMAZING connection. He's hilarious. When we talk, we can talk for hours about everything. I like him, we vibe well. he's as much of an asshole as I am. But in a good way. We have an amazing amazing amazing sexual chemistry. 

But I'm not sure where I stand with him. I know what I want from him. I would love a relationship. Jordan, now Jordan I won't ever have anything with. Dorenzo? I can see myself with him, and him wanting to be with me. It's just that he's so busy with work that we haven't been talking much lately... not like we did when we first started talking. And I really would like to talk about some things with him. Like where we stand, what we're doing.. If we're always going to just have a sexual relationship with one another. I dont' want that. I want to be with him. I love the sex but it's him that I really am digging. I hope that I get to talk to him about this soon. Cause it's going ot drive me crazy. I'vebeen seeing him since january so I think it's about a decent time for this type of conversation. The last thing I want to do is go away to camp and have him find some other girl or something.

I'm just... way too scared to bring it up. Like I've been nothing but hurt and let down before that i would hate to lose yet another person in my life that i Really care for. but I just know that i can't continue to keep doing this to myself. I want someone that loves me. It's not just about sex. sex is SO good dont' get me wrong, but dammit I need the commitement. I need to take care of someone and grow with someone. 
I would really like to do that with him, but I don't know where we stand. And i'm too scared to ask. Balls.