I mean, I understand that I have permanetly moved in the best friend zone with him. (Although he doesn't have best friends cause that shows "favoritism"-- to which I replied that he'd better get used to it because I know too much). I just hate that he has to like DO THAT.
And he texts me when he's out with them. All night long. When he's sober, when he's drunk, when they make him feel awkward or he wants tips on how to dance, or advice on what to do. Or that he's thinking about kissing them, or how asking me if he's a good kisser and all of that. That hurts. Why bother telling me every detail about your life, and relying on me to give you advice... when I'm not good enough for you to date? Why tell me that you think you are finally ready to date, but not bother to tell me what you used to tell me was never true. Why bother?
It's hurtful to be this close to him, to want him to be happy... I want him to be happy with who he chooses to be with.. but it really leaves me questioning... WHY not me?
What's wrong with me that makes him not want me? We've made out, we've done stuff so it's not that he isnt' attracted to me. or maybe he isn't. Maybe he used me to get back in the game. because I'm safe and comfortable.
It's just so FRUSTRATING. And the texting. UGH that drives me crazy. I told him that sometimes I Just don't want to hear about it. He hasnt' gotten the hint. I mean, it's not about giving him advice or building up his confidence... I'm ok with that.
I want him to grow as a person or whatever. I want to support him.
But, it's going to hurt me to see him with someone else.
I just wish he could love me.
But I'm definately not going to tell him how I feel again. That's not happening. No more opening up to people to get let down. That will only hurt more. Cause I know he'd never want to be with me, although I can't understand why.
OOOOOOOH the stuff I put myself through for real.
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