I need to get used to doing this blog with my phone. Maybe i can actually write everything that's going on in my life down now. I just have to be careful that it doesn't end up like livejournal or twitter. I want this blog to be deeper than my other ones. To be uncensored and have some meaning. My life is so twisted right now. I wish that i could get everything more simple so that it didn't seem like so much. I can't wait to get up to camp and feel safe.

I'm testing out mobile blogging... This could be trouble.

I am a mess

I can honestly say that I am a mess lately.
I should have been updating this everyday so I can post the events as they happened because I get too lazy to do one big update. Then I leave out details and blah blah blah.

I just... you know how you really just want to be loved? I'm there. I don't know what I'm doing any more. My heart is all over the place.

I want to be loved by this guy, I'm in love with this guy.... and Then I am trying to keep a few others on the back burner in case everything falls apart. I don't know what I am doing anymore.
It used to simple. Someone liked you, they beat up on you on the playground, and one day they passed you a note asking you to be there girlfriend. If you checked yes, then you were. Then everyone knew it. There was none of this 'hiding it' or having it kept "personal". There was no sexual promiscuity. There was no blurred lines.

I just want that. Simplicity. Old fashioned romance.

I want someone to love me. Someone that wants to have an anniversary and meet my family. Someone that cares enough to deal with my craziness.

Not someone that is going to lie to me, and not see me or bring me around other people. I want someone who will publicly declare they are with me.

I don't want someone who is going to blame ME for not telling them that I was taken advantage of. Someone who isn't going to blame me or be confused about it. what is there for YOU to be confused about? It happened to ME!

Men are really confusing. life is confusing. I mean, what really sucks.. is knowing what you are supposed to do, and how you are supposed to react to things, and then you of course... being fickle and not doing that.

I mean, I swear i could write a soap opera based off of my life right now. I just... can't blog it. I don't know what keeps me from writing everything down.


Michelle--- I miss you! I don't know why we didn't become like BFF's while we had the chance to be around each other 24/7. I do miss ya girl!

What a weekend...

Spent the entire weekend in Greensboro with my older sister and my nephew for his basketball tournament. They played three games over the course of the weekend. They played a fairly decent game (my nephews game is nothing less than amazing though-- and that's not just because he's my nephew that I am saying that). However the refs (especially in that last game) made some really BAD calls and the coach is always subbing in players when they've got a good thing going on. FOR NO REASON. 

I don't know like a shit-ton about basketball, but I know enough to know that they were not doing their job out there. It was really aggravating to watch. 

Speaking of aggravating. Dorenzo is aggravating the hell out of me right now. he told me to call him last week but wasn't there to answer-which is no big deal...he drives trucks and is busy with that and his business... understandable. But he didnt' return my call and didn't answer the other two times i called him (different days of course). Plus he's been online on and off and hasn't immed me or emailed me back. It hurts to know that he is there but isnt' talking to me. I don't know what is going on with him but i know that I haven't done anything. 

Plus, this girl on his facebook has been talkng some crazy shit and I know he's slept with her- which makes me insanely jealous. because I was under the impression that while we were sleeping together he was not supposed to be sleeping with anyone else. That really hurts me. I trusted him. In fact, I've been falling in love with him. stupid me. I know better than to do that. Experience tells me so. 

I know that he'll be talking to me in a day or two, but it doesn't ease my aggravation any. I was going to take time out to go visit him in columbia before i left for boston and I wanted to talk to him about how he felt about me, but I guess that's not going to happen now. Forget it. 

Forget my stupid feelings for anyone. 

It's just one of those things....

I really can't seem to make my body wake up before noon no matter how early I try to go to bed. So I figure that I might as well stop trying. I'll be waking up early enough as soon as camp starts anyway. Speaking of waking up early, I have to be up and ready and dressed to go with loretta to greensboro for brandon's basketball tournament this weekend. 

I had a good day today. I woke up late, argued a bit with Glenn as is normal for me because he can't seem to get it through his thick skull that there is no chance for us because he does not do the things I need a man to do for me. Ugh. Men. 

Then, Moya texted me and invited me to a Baha'i children's class that he's been leading. I've been waiting for something like that since i've moved to rock hill and it was really nice to go out and see the kids play, sing and say some prayers. Moya gave me two books to read and we're going to be doing some one-on-one studying together. It'll be good to get back into the swing of things. I miss doing all the reading and investigation of the faith that I used to do. I just have fell really behind no that stuff because i didn't have any one to motivate me, and I was so busy with school. 

Plus, this past year has been really hard for me. Both academically and emotionally. I've been through such an emotional roller coaster this year it's unbelievable. 

Moya and I are going to try to get together later on this week. :) yay. 

I leave for Boston june 1st..... AH!!

Good Ol' American Try

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I have to admit, it's kinda weird to be writing in a journal that I know hardly any one will be reading. In a way I like it, but I'm so used to random comments on my thoughts that I'm not sure that I'll keep writing in this if i can't have the feed back on my life and random feelings that I crave from time to time. :-P

(So what? I can be an attention whore if I wanna be!)

It's nice to be able to be free though. To not censor myself or worry about who is reading this. (Shout out to the two that I know read it! Michelle & Mark... or M&M hehehehe) 

It's just.... I dunno sometimes I want answers or reassurance, ya know?

Still can't seem to get my thoughts straight. 

I want to start writing again but I don't think I can. Honestly I think i'm tapped out

Even more frustrated

Even more frustrating? Dorenzo. 

Here's a man that I was supposed to be starting something with and now I really just don't know where we stand. I mean, we have an AMAZING connection. He's hilarious. When we talk, we can talk for hours about everything. I like him, we vibe well. he's as much of an asshole as I am. But in a good way. We have an amazing amazing amazing sexual chemistry. 

But I'm not sure where I stand with him. I know what I want from him. I would love a relationship. Jordan, now Jordan I won't ever have anything with. Dorenzo? I can see myself with him, and him wanting to be with me. It's just that he's so busy with work that we haven't been talking much lately... not like we did when we first started talking. And I really would like to talk about some things with him. Like where we stand, what we're doing.. If we're always going to just have a sexual relationship with one another. I dont' want that. I want to be with him. I love the sex but it's him that I really am digging. I hope that I get to talk to him about this soon. Cause it's going ot drive me crazy. I'vebeen seeing him since january so I think it's about a decent time for this type of conversation. The last thing I want to do is go away to camp and have him find some other girl or something.

I'm just... way too scared to bring it up. Like I've been nothing but hurt and let down before that i would hate to lose yet another person in my life that i Really care for. but I just know that i can't continue to keep doing this to myself. I want someone that loves me. It's not just about sex. sex is SO good dont' get me wrong, but dammit I need the commitement. I need to take care of someone and grow with someone. 
I would really like to do that with him, but I don't know where we stand. And i'm too scared to ask. Balls. 

Frustrated

I just don't understand why Jordan insists on telling me about the girls that he likes! Or doesn't like. Or that he is confused about. Seriously. Does he not remember that I LIKE him? Better yet, doesn't he realize that I am and probably will always be head over heels for him? He's so hurtful to me, and it's like he doesn't even realize it. It's crazy. 

I mean, I understand that I have permanetly moved in the best friend zone with him. (Although he doesn't have best friends cause that shows "favoritism"-- to which I replied that he'd better get used to it because I know too much). I just hate that he has to like DO THAT. 

And he texts me when he's out with them. All night long. When he's sober, when he's drunk, when they make him feel awkward or he wants tips on how to dance, or advice on what to do. Or that he's thinking about kissing them, or how asking me if he's a good kisser and all of that. That hurts. Why bother telling me every detail about your life, and relying on me to give you advice... when I'm not good enough for you to date? Why tell me that you think you are finally ready to date, but not bother to tell me what you used to tell me was never true. Why bother? 

It's hurtful to be this close to him, to want him to be happy... I want him to be happy with who he chooses to be with.. but it really leaves me questioning... WHY not me? 

What's wrong with me that makes him not want me? We've made out, we've done stuff so it's not that he isnt' attracted to me. or maybe he isn't. Maybe he used me to get back in the game. because I'm safe and comfortable. 

It's just so FRUSTRATING. And the texting. UGH that drives me crazy. I told him that sometimes I Just don't want to hear about it. He hasnt' gotten the hint. I mean, it's not about giving him advice or building up his confidence... I'm ok with that. 

I want him to grow as a person or whatever. I want to support him.

But, it's going to hurt me to see him with someone else. 

I just wish he could love me. 

But I'm definately not going to tell him how I feel again. That's not happening. No more opening up to people to get let down. That will only hurt more. Cause I know he'd never want to be with me, although I can't understand why.

OOOOOOOH the stuff I put myself through for real. 

I love my black-framed glasses--- I feel smart!

 I have had a lot on my mind lately but when I go to type it out, it never seems to want to flow outta me. something about my fingertips not wanting to move across the keyboard to let out everything I've been holding in. Words used to flow so easily through me, like a river... I had this current of words coursing through my veins that always wanted to be unleashed, and now... it seems like nothing wants to even escape from me. Like my words have found comfort in a place where I can't even recognize them as words-- just pure thought, emotion and feeling.

When they say that you change tremendously in the years that you attend college, they are not lying. But that change only goes so far. The core of who I am has not changed much at all. 

yes, there are differences in me. Major differences to some people, but only minor ones to me..
I definitely  don't sound like the peppy 16 year old that I was when i first started to blog (yes, I've been LJing for about 6 years. . . weird, huh. I figured it was time for a fresh start, and for a place where my friends can't get in my personal thoughts and criticize them). I am not as afraid to voice my opinion or stand up for myself. 

I still struggle with self-esteem and loving myself. I struggle with friendships and feeling that people are there for me. i am still loud-mouthed, I'm still loving, I still care about people with my entire heart. 

i still don't' believe anyone could love me, although now I ache for someone to lay next to at night and know that they are there for me forever... I crave for someone to love and take care of. 

I've changed from never wanting a family to wanting one. I want children on day. I want a husband, a house, a dog.. I want normalcy. 

I don't know there is so much going on and so little at the same time...