Today I was supposed to wake up and be productive. I was supposed to work on homework and read my chapters for my masters and do my online post. However, I lost all motivation because it was raining and decided that I should just stay in bed.
I did, however, get up early and take my nephew to school. Then I got up and picked him up from school, fed him, and took him to the rec. so he could practice basketball because his basketball team didn't practice late tonight at school. He's 14, and a pretty good basketball player. He's on the 9th grade basketball team at his junior high school. He's actually phenomenal.
I'm a little disappointed in myself. I know that I often tell myself things that are reality and then I still allow myself to secretly get my hopes up that at one theoretical point in the future things will get better. That I will get my way, and my dreams will become reality. However, this is not the case. I should continue to be the realist that I say I am.
I should know that I'm not desirable to those I seek. I am pretty, yes. I am pretty. But I am not small and thin and petite. I'm kinda chubby and for a guy in the south who is used to getting hit on my small, southern belles, I should look the other direction. Because I will always be the "best" friend and nothing more. That is my station in life.
And those that require my attention, namely my exboyfriend.. He may say he loves me, and that he cares... and that it's not about the sex.. but I know what the deal is. And maybe it's not about the sex, but it's not about love. Because love to me is really different than love for him. It's more about control for him and I kind of let myself be controlled.
Oh well, I don't know why I bother.
No comments:
Post a Comment