I am a mess

I can honestly say that I am a mess lately.
I should have been updating this everyday so I can post the events as they happened because I get too lazy to do one big update. Then I leave out details and blah blah blah.

I just... you know how you really just want to be loved? I'm there. I don't know what I'm doing any more. My heart is all over the place.

I want to be loved by this guy, I'm in love with this guy.... and Then I am trying to keep a few others on the back burner in case everything falls apart. I don't know what I am doing anymore.
It used to simple. Someone liked you, they beat up on you on the playground, and one day they passed you a note asking you to be there girlfriend. If you checked yes, then you were. Then everyone knew it. There was none of this 'hiding it' or having it kept "personal". There was no sexual promiscuity. There was no blurred lines.

I just want that. Simplicity. Old fashioned romance.

I want someone to love me. Someone that wants to have an anniversary and meet my family. Someone that cares enough to deal with my craziness.

Not someone that is going to lie to me, and not see me or bring me around other people. I want someone who will publicly declare they are with me.

I don't want someone who is going to blame ME for not telling them that I was taken advantage of. Someone who isn't going to blame me or be confused about it. what is there for YOU to be confused about? It happened to ME!

Men are really confusing. life is confusing. I mean, what really sucks.. is knowing what you are supposed to do, and how you are supposed to react to things, and then you of course... being fickle and not doing that.

I mean, I swear i could write a soap opera based off of my life right now. I just... can't blog it. I don't know what keeps me from writing everything down.


Michelle--- I miss you! I don't know why we didn't become like BFF's while we had the chance to be around each other 24/7. I do miss ya girl!

I have to admit, it's kinda weird to be writing in a journal that I know hardly any one will be reading. In a way I like it, but I'm so used to random comments on my thoughts that I'm not sure that I'll keep writing in this if i can't have the feed back on my life and random feelings that I crave from time to time. :-P

(So what? I can be an attention whore if I wanna be!)

It's nice to be able to be free though. To not censor myself or worry about who is reading this. (Shout out to the two that I know read it! Michelle & Mark... or M&M hehehehe) 

It's just.... I dunno sometimes I want answers or reassurance, ya know?

Still can't seem to get my thoughts straight. 

I want to start writing again but I don't think I can. Honestly I think i'm tapped out