Men

Men suck
they lie
i hate them.

Waiting

I hate waiting.
No seriously. I HATE WAITING.
I've always been an impatient person. I can't remember a time when I just sat around, admiring the view, super glad that the person I was waiting for was lagging. There are some people that enjoy those kinds of things...but I am just not one of them. I am the one who gets ready for something super quick and super early and then gets impatient because I haven't wasted enough time and there's still an hour left before I'm supposed to be someplace. I'm the annoying one that's at work early because I overestimate the time that it takes to gets there and then once work begins, I'm impatiently waiting for the clock to change because work just isn't over soon enough. (I assume that 8 hours of my day is going to pass by extremely fast or something ridiculous like that.) It's not that I'm in a rush to get life over or anything, it's just that I always expect something exciting to be happening for me right around the corner. But, nine times out of ten … I've hurried and waited for.... NOTHING. I think that my fantasies and pre-planned out days are more exciting than real life and I find that extremely sad. It's like I walk around my world rushing father time like my life is going to arrive at this super destination only to find out that the end of the line for me is an endless white hallway. Nothing going on there. Just a bunch of doors that never open for me.
It's kind of depressing. The fact that I hate waiting so much. I mean, I used to people watch while I was waiting until I realized that I'm a social person and sitting down looking at other people being social just wasn't cutting it out for me. Or maybe it was the fact that people watching makes you feel like a creeper after a while. I know people say that we should take time out to smell the roses and I do take time to enjoy things... but I JUST HATE WAITING. Like right now, for instance. I got this room with a friend of mine that wanted to spend more quality time together. I had a homework assignment due tonight so he took some time to go see a friend while I was working on that. No big deal. I don't expect someone to sit and watch me be brilliant and bullshit a boring homework assignment. However, I've been done for like an hour, he doesn't have a cell phone at the moment, I've already showered and cleaned up the room, got ice, poured myself another drink, downloaded music from my IPOD to my computer, browsed facebook, and am now writing this... and he STILL isn't back. I'm going to get irritated. I mean, quality time is supposed to consist of.. time. I guess insecure plays a part of that too. I mean, seriously... You cant stand spending a day with me or something? Am I THAT boring? Scratch that. I know I'm not. But you get the picture. I tried sleeping while waiting but now that my sleep schedule in general is all messed up and I sleep at random times and at the wrong moments I guess I should stay awake once I'm awake. I've been oversleeping in general. I could be more productive with my days but I've become efficient in the things I need done. I go to work, hang out with coworkers and/or do homework at night, then sleep during the day, shower, and go to work. On my days off.. I sleep. It's a boring existence but it's functional for me at the moment. I guess I would get up during the days if I didn't just spend them WAITING for it to be time to go to work.
If my friend doesn't get here soon.. I'm going to down my drink, and try to take a nap.
This is ridiculous.

SCREWED UP

My life is a crazy mess. I wish that I could get onto some kind of stable ground but sometimes I feel like I'm missing the most important part of remaining on stable ground: the footing.

It's like everything is almost in my grasp: Happiness, success, love.... it's like it's almost there and I can't quite hold onto it.

I just wish that everything would settle in my life. My relationship with Jamal seemed so good but he got mad over nothing and is now not talking to me, for no reason though. He got jealous because of some guy that was hitting on me at work-- some guy that I was in no way shape or form interested in.

ugh. Why is everything so screwed up for me?

Need to get my life together

I understand that I need to get my mental stability together and just forget about everyone else and do what makes me happy.

However, I've been doing what should make me happy and guess what.. .it's not.

Oh life... Ohhhhhhh life.

Jordan will never offer me the relationship that I crave, and although I would do anything for that, I just know that it won't ever happen. He would be the best person to be in that kind of relationship with but he isn't ready to, and will never be ready to. And... well, honestly you can't force that type of attraction. But oh, how much I yearn for it.

Jamal also won't offer me the type of relationship I crave. He wants to be in control. I want someone to love me for me, not control me. So therefore, that might not be good for me either. Plus my friends hate what he did to me, and what he continues to do to me. One day he and I might snap and that will be that. But I don't yet have the strength to leave him.

I dont' want to really. I want to feel loved, i want to keep my heart open to people.

I'm not wanting to be alone. i don't know why I'm so scared of that. I mean, I am alone at the moment. But i do have great friends and I really am not worried about finding someone to love me it's just that the situation i'm in now makes it hard for me not to focus on that....

anyways. at least school is going well even though i'm unfulfilled there. I do not like the online class structure. it's not enough for me. I want to be in a lab or in a classroom. i want to be around similar people. i want to be around people as smart as me! Again, I think I've sold myself short.

Same old nonsense.

I don't know why I do this to myself. I tend to get my hopes up and they normally just come crashing down upon me again.

Today I was supposed to wake up and be productive. I was supposed to work on homework and read my chapters for my masters and do my online post. However, I lost all motivation because it was raining and decided that I should just stay in bed.

I did, however, get up early and take my nephew to school. Then I got up and picked him up from school, fed him, and took him to the rec. so he could practice basketball because his basketball team didn't practice late tonight at school. He's 14, and a pretty good basketball player. He's on the 9th grade basketball team at his junior high school. He's actually phenomenal.

I'm a little disappointed in myself. I know that I often tell myself things that are reality and then I still allow myself to secretly get my hopes up that at one theoretical point in the future things will get better. That I will get my way, and my dreams will become reality. However, this is not the case. I should continue to be the realist that I say I am.

I should know that I'm not desirable to those I seek. I am pretty, yes. I am pretty. But I am not small and thin and petite. I'm kinda chubby and for a guy in the south who is used to getting hit on my small, southern belles, I should look the other direction. Because I will always be the "best" friend and nothing more. That is my station in life.

And those that require my attention, namely my exboyfriend.. He may say he loves me, and that he cares... and that it's not about the sex.. but I know what the deal is. And maybe it's not about the sex, but it's not about love. Because love to me is really different than love for him. It's more about control for him and I kind of let myself be controlled.

Oh well, I don't know why I bother.

Woops.. Knew this would happen!

Woops...

I knew that when I started this blog I wouldn't up keep it just like I don't really upkeep my livejournal. I wish that I had some interesting things to blog about, and I probably do.. but it's mostly the same theme over and over again.

I guess I forget that this is the blog that I don't have to censor because only 2 people have the link to it... and they are the two people I don't have to censor myself in front of (if they even read it at all).

However, it's hard to admit to yourself that you're doing the things that you are doing sometimes. I know that I don't really like to blog in detail because you never know what might happen and you never know who might come across something like this. I'd hate to bear it all and have those people I'm talking about come across it on accident-- which would be my luck.

I don't quite know what I am doing anymore. I know that my love for Jordan really sucks ass, as well as how insanely in love I am with Jamal. Both guys are no good for me. Both don't treat me the way I think I should be treated-- and yet there is something about them.

Wes, on the other hand... treats me so well and there is nothing there. In fact, he annoys the hell out of me now. Everytime he talks to me, he says things that I always thought I wanted to hear.. however coming from him I literally want to slug him in the face. this has been nearly every time he opens his mouth.

I know that I don't need to be with someone, and that is exactly why I'm not. I'm happy by myself but I still have this complicated love life. Other people in my life go "just forget about them and be by yourself, you don't need any one to be happy".. and I'm like... DUH. I AM by myself. Just because they are in my life doesn't mean I'm falling all over them for attention. It just so happens that they are in my life and they aren't going any where. Jamal always pops up even when we think we are done. He's never going to get completely cut out because he doesn't want to be just as much as I don't want him to be. Jordan is a good friend, when he needs to be, and therefore he's still in my life. I'm not going to just walk away from two people who are usually there for me when I need them. In fact, most of the people that are telling me to leave them alone are the ones that I can't talk to when I need to really talk about something.

So as much as it sucks for me emotionally sometimes, Jordan and Jamal are in my life. Period.

However, I really am dangerously in love with Jamal. And I really wish things could work for us. There is something about your first love that makes it so intense. I think part of it is because he still wants there to be something there and he keeps egging that connection on too that makes it harder for us to go our separate ways. He wants me around as much as I want him. If he could get his shit together, there really could be something between us that is long lasting. But I really dont' think he ever will. I don't think that I'm enough for him to stop the habits he has gotten himself into. I don't think he'd ever be able to be with just me and only me. Which is such a shame because we really do have a hell of a time when we are together, and we do care about each other. I just think that his impulse control doesn't work or something. And he wants things HIS way, and that can get to be too taxing for me too. We both are stubborn. It sucks. It royally sucks.

And Jordan. I didn't realize you could love twopeople at the same time, but I guess if you connect and love them for different reasons it is possible. Jordan will never allow himself to emotionally get attached to me. We can be best friends and flirt and be attracted to one another but he will never allow himself to open up and let the possibility in that he might get close enough for me to hurt him. I don't think he realizes that we are already close, and that I DO have the power to hurt him. He pretends he doesn't care, but I know he does. If I were to walk away from the friendship like he thinks I'm going to do one day.. it would really hurt him. I'm convinced of this... I just wish he would let me in.

But maybe it's better that neither one is ready for anything. Maybe there is a big surprise waiting for me out there in the cosmos and mr. right is just around the corner. But I doubt it. lol Oh, i Doubt it.

I am a mess

I can honestly say that I am a mess lately.
I should have been updating this everyday so I can post the events as they happened because I get too lazy to do one big update. Then I leave out details and blah blah blah.

I just... you know how you really just want to be loved? I'm there. I don't know what I'm doing any more. My heart is all over the place.

I want to be loved by this guy, I'm in love with this guy.... and Then I am trying to keep a few others on the back burner in case everything falls apart. I don't know what I am doing anymore.
It used to simple. Someone liked you, they beat up on you on the playground, and one day they passed you a note asking you to be there girlfriend. If you checked yes, then you were. Then everyone knew it. There was none of this 'hiding it' or having it kept "personal". There was no sexual promiscuity. There was no blurred lines.

I just want that. Simplicity. Old fashioned romance.

I want someone to love me. Someone that wants to have an anniversary and meet my family. Someone that cares enough to deal with my craziness.

Not someone that is going to lie to me, and not see me or bring me around other people. I want someone who will publicly declare they are with me.

I don't want someone who is going to blame ME for not telling them that I was taken advantage of. Someone who isn't going to blame me or be confused about it. what is there for YOU to be confused about? It happened to ME!

Men are really confusing. life is confusing. I mean, what really sucks.. is knowing what you are supposed to do, and how you are supposed to react to things, and then you of course... being fickle and not doing that.

I mean, I swear i could write a soap opera based off of my life right now. I just... can't blog it. I don't know what keeps me from writing everything down.


Michelle--- I miss you! I don't know why we didn't become like BFF's while we had the chance to be around each other 24/7. I do miss ya girl!