I feel like I have failed in a way

So, I have a Masters in psychology, worked in counseling for teenagers and have learned so much about how to help people who suffer from emotional / behavioral / mental issues. But for some reason, I feel like I can't help those who are closest to me. I either want to shake them or I don't know what to say. I am always there for my friends, especially my best friends, and I give them the space and emotional support that they need. But sometimes they are too far deep into their depression for me to help them. It is frustrating because you only want what is best for them. What do you do in that situation where depression is really ruining someone's life? They can't seem to snap out of it even though they try to do the things necessary for healing. The only issue I can see with my best friend is she is out of her medicine and can't get any right away. However, there are some unhealthy behaviors she exhibits that doesn't seem to be able to change, like obsessive thoughts. I don't know if it's even more severe because she is not on her medication because it is bad even when she is. I wish I could take all of her hurt away from her but it is hard. I hate to see her struggle. Oh well, if they are using coping skills and it isn't working, there isn't much a friend can do but listen. :(

Don't even know what to say!

I guess I just gave up on blogging? Forgot (again) all about this profile and everything that went with it. I have been basically living without a laptop for so long now that my internet usage is pretty minimal. I am tempted to delete every entry that existed before this one and start all over. There is so much that has gone on in my life it just doesn't even seem that those entries are even relevant. Although they do hold the background story of who I am now. Whatever, I will decide later what to do about those. I guess I want to be more private. Who knows what I want to be anymore!!! Currently living back in Myrtle Beach, SC where I grew up. Had some dreams about what it would be like here but it isn't anything like how I thought it would be. My friends all have children or are married. There isn't anyone that I can really call on to hang out the way Jennifer and I did in Rock Hill. Except for maybe Hayley who has stayed my tried and true best friend. She is so loyal and I love her. She is married and works a weird schedule so even that is hard to arrange. No more sleep overs unless I were to stay at her house, but that only has happened on New Years this year (2013). I stopped working in Mental Health, not because I'm not interested in it, but because there wasn't a job opportunity for me here to work in that field. Currently I'm working in Credentialing-- a part of medical billing and working for health care providers. It is boring. I fill out applications for providers to be apart of different insurance companies as they join these anesthesia groups. They have to be able to accept patients with the insurances those groups accept. I do filing, applications, log information... etc etc. However, I LOVE LOVE LOVE the people I work with. I miss rock hill, I miss my old job and I miss college. OOOOH boy do I miss Columbia College. I would love to go back to Columbia. My dream would be to work for them. But to be a professor I kind of would have to get my PH.D first. And I definitely want to do that. I am trying to get back emotionally where I should be. Want to be that old, driven me. I seemed to have lost myself in the past few years. But we will see how it goes. That might be for future blogs. But... I'm back. For how long? I don't know.

Men

Men suck
they lie
i hate them.

Waiting

I hate waiting.
No seriously. I HATE WAITING.
I've always been an impatient person. I can't remember a time when I just sat around, admiring the view, super glad that the person I was waiting for was lagging. There are some people that enjoy those kinds of things...but I am just not one of them. I am the one who gets ready for something super quick and super early and then gets impatient because I haven't wasted enough time and there's still an hour left before I'm supposed to be someplace. I'm the annoying one that's at work early because I overestimate the time that it takes to gets there and then once work begins, I'm impatiently waiting for the clock to change because work just isn't over soon enough. (I assume that 8 hours of my day is going to pass by extremely fast or something ridiculous like that.) It's not that I'm in a rush to get life over or anything, it's just that I always expect something exciting to be happening for me right around the corner. But, nine times out of ten … I've hurried and waited for.... NOTHING. I think that my fantasies and pre-planned out days are more exciting than real life and I find that extremely sad. It's like I walk around my world rushing father time like my life is going to arrive at this super destination only to find out that the end of the line for me is an endless white hallway. Nothing going on there. Just a bunch of doors that never open for me.
It's kind of depressing. The fact that I hate waiting so much. I mean, I used to people watch while I was waiting until I realized that I'm a social person and sitting down looking at other people being social just wasn't cutting it out for me. Or maybe it was the fact that people watching makes you feel like a creeper after a while. I know people say that we should take time out to smell the roses and I do take time to enjoy things... but I JUST HATE WAITING. Like right now, for instance. I got this room with a friend of mine that wanted to spend more quality time together. I had a homework assignment due tonight so he took some time to go see a friend while I was working on that. No big deal. I don't expect someone to sit and watch me be brilliant and bullshit a boring homework assignment. However, I've been done for like an hour, he doesn't have a cell phone at the moment, I've already showered and cleaned up the room, got ice, poured myself another drink, downloaded music from my IPOD to my computer, browsed facebook, and am now writing this... and he STILL isn't back. I'm going to get irritated. I mean, quality time is supposed to consist of.. time. I guess insecure plays a part of that too. I mean, seriously... You cant stand spending a day with me or something? Am I THAT boring? Scratch that. I know I'm not. But you get the picture. I tried sleeping while waiting but now that my sleep schedule in general is all messed up and I sleep at random times and at the wrong moments I guess I should stay awake once I'm awake. I've been oversleeping in general. I could be more productive with my days but I've become efficient in the things I need done. I go to work, hang out with coworkers and/or do homework at night, then sleep during the day, shower, and go to work. On my days off.. I sleep. It's a boring existence but it's functional for me at the moment. I guess I would get up during the days if I didn't just spend them WAITING for it to be time to go to work.
If my friend doesn't get here soon.. I'm going to down my drink, and try to take a nap.
This is ridiculous.

SCREWED UP

My life is a crazy mess. I wish that I could get onto some kind of stable ground but sometimes I feel like I'm missing the most important part of remaining on stable ground: the footing.

It's like everything is almost in my grasp: Happiness, success, love.... it's like it's almost there and I can't quite hold onto it.

I just wish that everything would settle in my life. My relationship with Jamal seemed so good but he got mad over nothing and is now not talking to me, for no reason though. He got jealous because of some guy that was hitting on me at work-- some guy that I was in no way shape or form interested in.

ugh. Why is everything so screwed up for me?

Work, Work, Working....

I am not sure that I really like working anymore. I loved my job to begin with but the stress of working full time as a supervisor is not fun. I mean I guess it would be better if the people at my job were professional... but since they aren't, I'm finding it difficult to navigate.

I just know I am capable of this job. I Know I'm more than capable of leading a ward and everything that comes with it... it's just hard when you're not getting respect from staff members and they are undermining you in front of the patients. That's the last thing I need from staff, because it makes everyone's job difficult.

I just want to cry.

I hate feeling fragile!

Need to get my life together

I understand that I need to get my mental stability together and just forget about everyone else and do what makes me happy.

However, I've been doing what should make me happy and guess what.. .it's not.

Oh life... Ohhhhhhh life.

Jordan will never offer me the relationship that I crave, and although I would do anything for that, I just know that it won't ever happen. He would be the best person to be in that kind of relationship with but he isn't ready to, and will never be ready to. And... well, honestly you can't force that type of attraction. But oh, how much I yearn for it.

Jamal also won't offer me the type of relationship I crave. He wants to be in control. I want someone to love me for me, not control me. So therefore, that might not be good for me either. Plus my friends hate what he did to me, and what he continues to do to me. One day he and I might snap and that will be that. But I don't yet have the strength to leave him.

I dont' want to really. I want to feel loved, i want to keep my heart open to people.

I'm not wanting to be alone. i don't know why I'm so scared of that. I mean, I am alone at the moment. But i do have great friends and I really am not worried about finding someone to love me it's just that the situation i'm in now makes it hard for me not to focus on that....

anyways. at least school is going well even though i'm unfulfilled there. I do not like the online class structure. it's not enough for me. I want to be in a lab or in a classroom. i want to be around similar people. i want to be around people as smart as me! Again, I think I've sold myself short.

Same old nonsense.

I don't know why I do this to myself. I tend to get my hopes up and they normally just come crashing down upon me again.

Today I was supposed to wake up and be productive. I was supposed to work on homework and read my chapters for my masters and do my online post. However, I lost all motivation because it was raining and decided that I should just stay in bed.

I did, however, get up early and take my nephew to school. Then I got up and picked him up from school, fed him, and took him to the rec. so he could practice basketball because his basketball team didn't practice late tonight at school. He's 14, and a pretty good basketball player. He's on the 9th grade basketball team at his junior high school. He's actually phenomenal.

I'm a little disappointed in myself. I know that I often tell myself things that are reality and then I still allow myself to secretly get my hopes up that at one theoretical point in the future things will get better. That I will get my way, and my dreams will become reality. However, this is not the case. I should continue to be the realist that I say I am.

I should know that I'm not desirable to those I seek. I am pretty, yes. I am pretty. But I am not small and thin and petite. I'm kinda chubby and for a guy in the south who is used to getting hit on my small, southern belles, I should look the other direction. Because I will always be the "best" friend and nothing more. That is my station in life.

And those that require my attention, namely my exboyfriend.. He may say he loves me, and that he cares... and that it's not about the sex.. but I know what the deal is. And maybe it's not about the sex, but it's not about love. Because love to me is really different than love for him. It's more about control for him and I kind of let myself be controlled.

Oh well, I don't know why I bother.

This is kinda what I did today...

So we started the blog. Bull 201

It's in the early stages so it's pretty bare. I have hope that we'll at least get a few entries in there when we can. You can find it at TheBull201.blogspot.com

also, if you want to be a guest writer-- feel free. :) Just email me whatever or mark your lj post and i'll copy and paste it, and give you credit the way you wanna be given credit for it. So whether that be a name or a nickname.. whatever. Haven't decided yet if Im using my real name yet.

I might make up professor names for each of us...
:D


Anyways.

I spent today getting a TB test done for my new job and then played with Mae and Baby Emerson alllllll day. I had a lot of fun! We went to books a million and played with the trains. It's so cute how much Emerson loves books. Had a yummy danish and hot chocolate with a splash of mint. It was good.
Then we had some play time at home and i stuffed my face with pizza. It was good to catch up. I just haven't had any real friends up in rock hill for a while and it's nice to know that someone that actually knows me and I trust and can talk to lives up around here.

I mean, megan lives up here but she doesn't really go out of her way to hang out or anything. However, she does work all the time. I just hope my job doesn't stop me from being able to hang out.

SO yah. That really was the highlight of my day. I loved dancing around the room with emerson lol. (She's beautiful)

Made me miss Liam a ton though. When he starts walking I'm going to make sure he learns to dance too. :D

I came home after that and did laundry. woo. I hate when I went through the trouble to separate all of my clothes.. my older sister mixed them up and put them in the laundry together. Ugh. I had some delicates i was trying to wash separately. Oh well. She though she was doing me a favor. It's ok. :D